locating space

something is askew in our universe

what the hell is going on.  i mean really.

bad news everywhere.. let's start from the beginning.

heath ledger died.  very, very shocking.  and very sad.  i keep thinking about his baby daughter.  i feel very sad for her.

also last night, the ex's girlfriend received 3rd degree burns all over her hands from a hot grease accident.  skin was dripping off of her hands. i feel sad for her too.  and him.  that has to be a horrible thing to go through, for both of them.

earlier today, i found out that a friend's ex-roommate was killed in a helicopter training accident last week.  i had my opinions of him, but he was still a decent guy, and he certainly deserved to live.  i am sorry for his family.

and just a bit ago, i found out that also last night (wtf was going on, huh? i'm glad i was at home, asleep early) my beloved big john was hit by a car outside of the julep room in ocean springs and is in ICU, but from what i hear, he is stable.  so he better be ok.  or i'm going to be really mad at somebody.  really, really mad.  this better be ok.

all of these tragedies, on top of:  my kid having lice, me hurting my back again, and a then a specific weirdness that i can't describe... i mean it's somewhat intense around here.  it's just too much for me to feel comfortable about waking up tomorrow.

dear boy

i'm supremely paranoid that you've found my little private hidey hole and that my secrets aren't my secrets anymore.  i'll know soon enough.  if you break up with me first.  so i have decided... that as much as i love my peablog, i have to let it go.  i will, however, start up a new one, somehow & somewhere.  my subscription is up in march i believe, so i'll set up the new one soon, and any anonymous readers are welcome to email me for the link.  but it'll be something that people who know me just won't be able to find.  like you, boy.

i hate this.  privacy.  why can't i feel confidant that i have it?

this is why relationships are such a pain in the ass.

rebelling

i'm supposed to be studying.  no surprise.  it's my favorite thing to put off.  right there above cleaning.  getting things done, i reckon, should be number one.  i'm just bad at it.

it's well known that i don't come here to ramble unless i am perplexed by something.  peablog therapy.  and today's dilemma is..

i think i'm ready to break up with the boy. 

he's just annoying me, and seems to try to be making me the girl he wants me to be, and not the girl i am.  no way, i've been through that before.  i have worked hard to get my identity back, and i'm not going to let anyone take it from me again, especially this may-december fling that is probably short lived anyway.  there are a few things that bother me about him, and they keep bumping into each other, each sort of wondering why it's so crowded in that sea of doubt.  so yeah, i'm thinking about bailing out before the L-word comes out of somebody's mouth.  one minute i can feel it, and really want to say it, and then i cook breakfast or lunch and bring him his plate and his drink and i feel like a wife (or his mama).  or i ask him to actually do something that isn't on the couch or in the bed, like help me move this.. and it becomes something that i owe him back for (i guess he forgot about the meals i've cooked him).  it's the classic story of the guy who does something small, but something that he believes validates his manhood in helping out his girl.  like a husband that takes complete advantage of the overworked domestic goddess that is his baby's mama, and thinks that taking out the trash was a lot of work and he should rest and not be asked to do anything else.  b u l l s h i t.  i lived that life once.  i'm not going to do it again.   it is way to early in the relationship for him to be that willing to sit back and let me do for him 100%.  i feel like i'm giving more than i'm taking.  and i also feel like i really shouldn't have to say anything, that whatever comes natural to someone is just that person, and i have no right to change them.  which makes me resent someone who would try to change me.  why date me then, if there are things you don't like about my lifestyle? 

my coffee is cold (as are my feet) and i must see to getting it all warmed up.  then, i must study.

i'm sure going to miss the penis though.

rrrants

did you know that if you google 'peajay', this blog is the first to pop up on the search results?  lucky me.  i wish it was like a friends-only.. where i can personally approve each reader and not worry about just anyone popping in and reading all about the craziness that is me.  but instead of being paranoid, i have chosen to not care.  and leave it open and public and totally out there for you to sneak a peak into my psyche.

this is where i babble about matters of my emotions.  rarely is it a daily log of goings on, but a place i can go when there is something really weighing and ready to come out.  things that shouldn't be told to other people.  or at least not until i translate it to the peablog so i can throw it back and forth and figure it out for myself.  no matter what i say here, i have to trust that it is private.  but i have a morbid need to be read, no concern for what i've written.  so here it is, it's all yours, do what you will with it.  and if you know me and you found this blog without me giving you the link, well, it's like sneaking into my room and reading my diary while i'm out running errands.  so you better not let me catch you.

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that being said.. here we go kids..

i quit smoking yesterday.  fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.  i'm wearing a patch, but i'm not convinced that it's doing its job 100%.  i am very much addicted to nicotine and i have had bitch cravings today while wearing the patch, so i'm not sure what to think about it.  i want to smoke.  i know i shouldn't.  but i want to.  really bad.  but i'm not.  i have to make it a week first.  that's my rule.

so yeah i'm bitchy and it's easy for me to get irritated at the boy.  though he doesn't know it.  i hope i don't get too comfortable and start getting bitchy with/to him.  i don't want to be that girl, and these withdrawals are bringing out the grumpies, most definitely.

spring semester started for me today.  philosophy, western civilization, american lit 2, and spanish.  i think i'll enjoy all of my classes, it's weird to go back and have things change so much from just a few weeks ago.  different classes, different people.  different knowledge about to pop itself into my brain.  different homework that i avoid by playing in the peablog.  i guess i have worked for so long, and just stayed on a never ending and monotonous cycle, and forgot what it was like to move on to a new chapter.

protection

i don't think anyone is being utterly nosy, but i am afraid that my little peablog here has been breached.  simply because i have it as a bookmark on my toolbar, and the boy was using my computer, bored, and checking out bookmarks.. he hasn't mentioned anything and i have no way of knowing unless i straight up ask, which i won't do, so i'm just guessing here that i have been breached.

so i feel the need to protect my blog.  if you're still reading this, then PLEASE let me know so i can figure out what the deal is.. i have no problem sharing the password with the faithful who keep coming back to read my pitiful ramblings, after all, you are nearly an entire world away and i have no idea who you are, really.  it's the boyfriend that i'd rather not have reading these thoughts.  this is my place to be let out my private stuff.  stuff i wouldn't necessarily tell him.  so no, i don't want him reading this.  these are my deepest & darkest.  i'm not ready to share that stuff with him yet.  so mr. boyfriend, if you're reading this, then yeah, you know i think i love you but then might not really be sure,and you know i'm pretty fucked up and ridiculously jealous over nothing, and you know a lot more about me than i know about you.  so please let this be the last time you read it.  you don't have to tell me you read it, that can be your secret. but please, last time, ok? 

slip-sliding away...

my insecurities are indeed getting the better of me.  and i'm doubting and am preparing myself to maybe walk away, or to at least accept being walked away from.  i just get all of these stupid ideas in my head and instead of seeming like a ninny and clinging too much and asking for too much validation, i just keep quiet, and i watch the natural actions and reactions.  but i'm just wacky in my head about it and am therefore tempted to act stupid.  i just don't want to feel used, again.  he's not that guy, i know he's not.  yet i still question these things, and wonder if i'm wrong, again, since i so often am.

i don't want to think like this.. i'd rather just have everything happy-go-lucky and not have these concerns.  but i can't help it.  if i could make sense of my thoughts, i might say this would qualify as instinct. or does it.. perhaps i'm unnecessarily presumptuous.  i also wonder if i'm just waiting on something to go wrong.  since i don't want him to go anywhere.  or do some stupid thing that stupid guys always seem to do.

my sappy drippy love life

ok so the sappiness and the drippiness hasn't been a whole lot of fun this week, as he's out of town visiting his family for the holidays.  but then i haven't heard from him, and now i'm having doubts, wondering if he's with a secret girlfriend or some stupid shit like that.  i've been lied to before, and i want to believe what people tell me, but i have believed before and ended up a fool.  so i hedge.  and must resist the urge to back away.  since, of course, i'm wondering so much if i really AM in love or whatever, who knows.. what is love anyway?  i am in the midst of infatuation.  THAT is why it's so good to not say it as soon as you think it.  give yourself time to digest it and figure out what it really is.  i really, really, really like him.. but to love someone is a serious thing.. and i'm not ready for that yet.

so my insecurity goes along with suddenly blowing up with the ten pounds of fat that decided to plant itself on my chin and my gut and my thighs, thanks to the boy feeding me rich and yummy food.  how can it spread out soooo much, soooo fast?  my skin is breaking out from all the crappy food, and both plagues i believe are also side effects of the pill, the standard generic which can be got for $13 at student health.  i am going to make an honest attempt to quit smoking for the new year, which will add MORE jelly to my roll.  just not fair. 

sappy with sweet desserts and drippy with saturated fat.

you don't want to read this...but do as you wish

it's still there.  still keeping mouth shut.  must keep telling myself, don't say a word.

i used to wonder why people were so afraid of admitting to something so sweet and precious.  it's taken me a while to get to this point that saying it, especially too early, can ruin so many things, and i'm not willing to take a chance of hurting this thing at all. 

i used to think that you say it to keep someone.. but now i feel that not saying it is the better way to keep someone close.  i mean, once that 'i <3 you' ice is broken it's fair game to say whenever, but to get it out there and be the one to do it first just causes this anxiety in me, and though i know i shouldn't, i keep it tucked just below the surface.  which is why i keep coming back here to proclaim my silence, to convince myself why i should not speak these words of adoration and devotion.  i can think that he feels the same but i've been so wrong before, and i lost that game.  so far in this one, it all seems to be going right, both of us playing fair and helping the other one out as we can.  i can think that he might say it back, but i can't risk the hurt if he doesn't.

and blah blah blah blah blah... ramblin' on.. i think about him every minute of the day, and wish to be near him and cuddle and laugh with him.  heart heart heart.  sometimes though i don't have faith in my true feelings, and it's best to wait until i'm sure before i go blabbing something like love after a month of being spoiled by a younger man.  but it's the him that matches the me that i'm in love with, the connection, the chemistry itself combined with an awe about who he is.  his crooked smile is sexy.  his hands fit in mine perfectly.  he is smart and curious, and he has an impressive vocabulary. 

i'm so tired i just can't go on.. but i could if i weren't typing this with my eyes closed and head listing to the side.  more soon.. just to keep up with the update of me not saying anything about that pesky love stuff...

flip flopping

see, i took it back, and yesterday was all without weirdness, which was just part of my imagination anyway.  but i am in love.  i'm crazy about that boy, and he's crazy about me.  and that's just unbelievable to me.  but i'm still keeping my mouth shut.  i'm not going to say it first.

tomorrow is our picnic in the park with sushi and wine in plastic glasses.  and blankets to keep us warm in this chilly weather.  and plenty of snuggling.  and kissing.  and perhaps a public indecency charge, who knows.

ok ok i take it back

so i shouldn't even have said it here in my private little peablog.  now i have myself paranoid that something is wrong. 

last night we had a weird email chain.. basically picking back and forth about why we were both behind on our homework (each other) and then i actually questioned if there was a problem of some sort, of course i was being silly.  and today i feel weird, some conversation back and forth but we were both busy.  so i can be rational about this and admit to myself that my little bloggy confession is what has me so frazzled.  making such an admission is never good for the psyche and i should not have done it.  i was just just thinking it and i wanted to get it out of my system before i did something stupid like saying it out loud.  we've been together for three weeks and yes, i'm totally into this adorable man.  but i take back that i'm love with him, because if these doubts are able to pop up, then i'm not 100% certain anyway.  so i take it back. 

and tomorrow won't be weird.

i'm fucking tired.. achy.. it's 3:40am.  i had to finish writing my lexicon so i can turn it in tomorrow, and i have an anthropology final in the afternoon.  i just have to take notes first thing in the morning (i'm exempt from the final but just have to show my notes) and my 12:30 class is an optional review class, so screw it.  i'm having lunch with nathan and then studying for my final until 4:30. 

after our final on thursday, we're having a sushi picnic in the park and then spending the afternoon together.  his idea.

how can i not think these things about him?