I feel amazing. Really close to amazing, at least.
In a society without jobs, I was hired for two in the past two days. The one that would be more fulfilling to my self is the one I have to decline due to the complete lack of hours and wages and opportunity for advancement. I would basically be a woodworking apprentice, learning the trade, the tools, and how to show other folks all about it. It was very part-time though. 12-29 hours, pretty slow in the summer, which is when I need lots and lots of working hours.
The one I am taking tags me as a part time assistant manager in a discount women's clothing store. The summer months will allow me almost 40 hours a week and when school kicks in again, they will totally work around my schedule. Plus, I get a 20% discount. Less fulfilling, but better for my situation. And it will be fun, I believe. So we'll see. I have two more days of being "off" and then hell week starts. And so does my discount.
I have also found a part of myself that has been in hiding for, well, forever I think. Perhaps I had it before, when I was younger, but I didn't yet have the experience to show me how right it is. It's nothing more than an inner peace, a feeling of growth, a moment of belonging in this world. I know my path, I know how to travel it, and I know that everything is going to be ok.
I "broke up" with my long distance whatever-he-was, but we still talk every few days. There were many reasons for this: a) 741 miles; b) he has issues that make him withdraw and disappear, which is a ridiculous behavior for someone 741 miles away; c) if I think I'm in love with someone so far away then obviously, I am not; and, d) I met a boy that lives maybe 15 miles away. The last reason was the exact one I needed to make me totally comprehend that the doomed romance had reached its denouement.
I first met this boy about two years ago while I was dating the annoying 24-year-old. He works with my friend, designing software to integrate military defense systems into ship operations systems. My friend is badass, and she has a badass team. He's on her team. I met him along with his then-girlfriend in a group where I was with my then-boyfriend. I was attracted to him, but that was my secret.
I saw him a handful of times since then, and I was either in a relationship or not, and he was still with the girlfriend. They became engaged sometime last year, and a few months ago she broke off the engagement via text message. He's been around a bit more since then, still just a few times. Last weekend was one of those few times, where we all ended up at a party, loud and rowdy through rows and rows of drinking games. It was the most fun I'd had in several moons.
The night ended at 5am in a drugstore parking lot, his friend in the car, with the two of us discussing why it would be a bad idea for me to follow him back to his house. This was one week after my weekend of slutdom. I went home alone that night, and so did he, but not until we shared a very amazing kiss. I mean, wow. Good stuff. Exponentially better than the two different kisses from my weekend before. I had to really make myself go home, because I really did not want to.
The next day had been planned weeks before, for a tour of one of the ships that these friends of mine helped design. I spent the entire day with this boy, both of us playing it cool around our other friends but still very aware of each other. That night we all met up again to watch a baseball game at a downtown sports bar, which could have been a lot of fun if any of us had gotten any sleep the night before. So I went home that night too, after several hours of sitting across the table from this guy who was making me doubt how I really felt about another guy 741 miles away. I'm unsure how to read him though, because he is still hurting from being dumped by the girl he thought he was going to marry. I don't want to be a rebound. I'm tired of temporary things. Temporary boys. But I confessed to him my secret crush, I explained that I know what he's been through and that if we're going to do anything it doesn't need to be something quick and dirty. He still seemed interested, but it's also been a quiet week.
I will be seeing him tomorrow night though, for I displayed a supreme level of craftiness that impressed even me. The day of the ship, we had all planned on seeing a movie before the baseball game. Time didn't allow for it. So I email my friend and ask her if she'd like to go with me Saturday night to this movie, knowing that she was working with him and that she knew he wanted to see it and she would ask him if he wanted to join us. Yes, he said. There will be six of us. A married couple, my two girlie friends, and the boy and me. I'm interested to see how it will play out, and if I have any reason at all to think it could go beyond a drunk night and a few dirty text messages in the last waking minutes after we got to our own homes that first night. He's still coming along, knowing I'll be there and that I've had this crush on him and that we might do something worth doing, so I see that as a good sign. Right? He's a really interesting guy, and we've always had good conversation and he's taller than me and he has good teeth and nice hands. I'm a sucker for those qualities. Oh, and wonderful, wonderful lips. Really wonderful lips. I'm looking forward to the dark movie theatre. What movie? Oh, who cares.. (It's supposed to be a really good one but I have noticed that I get weird blog hits simply from proper nouns and name of places and things and I'd rather stay a little more under the radar.)
Enough. I'm tired and I need to be well rested for this exciting night I have coming up tomorrow. I hope I can hang out with him all night without having sex with him. I know I shouldn't and I'm telling myself to really not do it mainly because I don't want that to be the center of whatever it is we end up with.
